Given that many Americans seem to want lifestyle-related diseases, I’d like to offer some helpful hints to those of you interested in developing a healthy dose of diabetes. If you apply the following principles and are lucky enough to be genetically predisposed to this disease, then you may just get what you’ve been waiting for. There are worse ways to die than from diabetes (if you don’t mind possible foot or leg amputation), so if you’re looking for an earlier than necessary exit from the pressures of life, then this article is written for you.
The key to developing Type II Diabetes is to screw up your metabolism and wear out your insulin mechanism. To do this you need to keep a steady supply of insulin pumping into your system (so you can get used to it or, in other words, become insensitive to it).
There are many ways to do this and the process can be quite enjoyable! Follow these 8 steps and you are already on your way:
Step one: start your day of with some coffee. Coffee causes an increased effect of glucagons and adrenaline (hormones) which cause your liver to release sugar into your blood. Now your bloodstream is nice and full of sugar so anything else you eat with it is like overeating. A really neat trick is to load the coffee up with sugar and flavorings.
This will put your blood sugar level way over the top and guarantee a heightened blood sugar level. Plus, you get to grow one of those nice muffin tops (thatís when the fat around your stomach and lower back oozes out over your pants like what a muffin does while cooking). Apparently, this look is popular because I see a majority of the female teenagers showing it off nowadays.
Step two: Develop a dislike for water. You want to make sure you are poorly hydrated if you are going to get a decent case of diabetes. Of course, the coffee will help with this since it acts as a diuretic (flushes water out of your system). So throw a cup in here and there throughout the day and avoid water. You also want to make sure that your stomach acid is really thick and potent so it can quickly digest all the sugars. Water will dilute the stomach acids so definitely don’t drink any.
A low hydration level will also help with step five since it will drastically lower your energy level, strength, and motivation. Now I know this will be hard. Americans just love to drink water with everything, but you must stay strong. If you do get thirsty and feel like breaking down and having some water make sure to load it up with high fructose corn syrup first! There are some great canned products out there that are pre-made and ready to go for you. They call it soda. It is available everywhere including health food stores. They even have “natural soda” for you health freaks.
Step three: Eat a diet rich in starches and grains; the kind that the food pyramid recommends. These things break down into glucose (blood sugar) real fast and you can now begin to really overload the insulin mechanism in the body. If you really want to make sure to get diabetes, definitely make sure all the grains are really processed and refined (fluffy soft bread, and cereal with cute little flakes or shapes). Same with the starches. Get them French style and fried in trans-fats or thin with ridges. Sure, you can have fruit, you do need antioxidants, but juice it and strain out the fiber (fiber will help control your blood sugar levels and since you need it to stay out of control to get diabetes you must avoid it). Have the juice with a nice bowl of over processed grains (cereal).
Oranges taste real good juiced and will certainly guarantee a blood sugar overdose, especially with that coffee on board.
Step four: Avoid fat. Yes, I’m serious. If you want diabetes to avoid fat. Fat will slow down how fast all those carbohydrates absorb into the bloodstream and you definitely don’t want that to happen. Remember, we are trying to wear out the insulin mechanism. If sugar doesn’t rush into the blood fast enough, insulin won’t be released. If insulin isn’t released, you will never have a chance to build up your resistance to it.
We’ve got to make the body resistant to insulin to get diabetes so we’ve got to keep it pumping out of your pancreas. Yes, I understand this may be a new concept for you but fat (except for trans, hydrogenated, or rancid fats) is actually good for you. So stay away from all fat except for trans, hydrogenated, or rancid. Those will actually help you get your diabetes.
Step five: Now this is important. Whatever you do, don’t exercise! I mean not even once a week. Exercise will immediately start reducing and regulating your blood sugar levels. It will also make you more sensitive to insulin, which would slow down progress toward your goal. I know this will be tough but you will just have to let that exercise equipment you bought from that infomercial collect a little more dust out in the garage, and you will have to pay your gym membership but never actually go. There is probably something more important to do anyway.
Step six: Throw in a couple of sodas to treat yourself throughout the day. You can’t drink any water, so what the heck will you quench your thirst with? This, as I mentioned above, will help you feel like you drank some water because I know you just hate going without it. There are a couple of great all natural sodas out there guaranteed to induce your diabetes. Heck, make sure you always have some on hand for your children, too.
These are a great way to guarantee the results and spend some quality time with the kids. I hear there are some all sugar straws to sip soda with. Why not? You want your kids to like you, right?
Step seven: Finish your day with a glass of wine or some other alcoholic beverage. You’ve had a hard stressful day developing diabetes and you deserve to relax. If you don’t drink, then substitute with a bowl of non-fat ice cream or some popcorn (no butter).
Keep going until your stomach starts to stretch and then go directly to bed.
Step eight: Be patient. You won’t notice it happening inside you. And it may take awhile. It may take years. But I promise if you keep up this routine for long enough you will get Type II diabetes. There are some signs and symptoms that will indicate you’ve been successful. These symptoms may be increased hunger or thirst, general feeling of fatigue all day long, and even irritability. You know you’re really doing well if you have blurred vision and irregular heart rhythms. You get some of that going on congratulations, you are well on your way. Just keep doing what your doing and maybe someday you’ll go cross-eyed, blind, or even get a foot chopped off. Heck, maybe two!
Well, that’s it. You probably didn’t need me to explain this to you. In fact, the American people are so good at developing Type II diabetes now that even kids are doing it. It used to take us 50 or 60 years to develop (actually, it used to be a rare, strange disease). Not any more. In fact, if you want your kids to have it, get them started on breakfast cereals, chips, soda, and video games – more great recipe for diabetes. In addition to diabetes they’ll get to have bad grades and most likely enjoy a life of obesity (an added bonus). You do want to fit in with the soon-to-be-majority of Americans, don’t you?