I notice that more and more is being written, and more often, about narcissism. But the subject is approached partially, only from a negative, pathological perspective, most of the time from a deep ignorance of the subject/concept.
Many have fallen into the trap of an incomplete definition, which refers only to the pathological side of the situation: “Narcissism is a psychological disorder of the human personality that manifests itself through selfishness, vanity, exaggerated, pathological love for one’s own person.”
Narcissism is one of the important concepts of psychoanalysis, treated extensively in many psychoanalytic writings, a concept and a subject as broad and complex as it is controversial.
Many psychoanalysts have spoken about narcissism as a stage of development, others as a parallel process occurring along the development; the controversy is still unresolved.
Beyond a definition that hardly expresses such a complex concept, it is important to understand the way in which narcissism is born, and how it is built, healthy or pathological.
The story begins very early, with the birth of the child. Due to the specific care needs, on which his very survival depends, the child will occupy an important place in the family (environment) in which he appears. His needs,non-negotiable, will cause many activities and a lot of time to be spentwith and for the child. This situation will take place for a long time, in parallel with the child’s development on all other levels (physical, psychological, emotional, and affective). Thisspecial attentionensuresthe satisfaction of needs, an essential fact both for the child’s development and forhis well-being. We understand very quickly that exactly this attention is closely related to a certain state of satisfaction and, respectively, a state of well-being. It is no coincidence that the two elements will accompany us throughout our lives, the moment when we enjoy the attention of those around us always being associated with a state of well-being, of satisfaction.
The care and attention of those around, of the parents and the family, are essentialfor validating the existence, value, and importance (“I am also someone, I exist, I have a value, I matter”) of the child (future adult). Love, affection, and the attention of those around me build the feeling of personal value, of merit (“if I am loved, it means that I deserve to be loved” – which gives me an affective value).
If others love and appreciate me, that makes me love and appreciate myself too.
This is where the wonderful part ofhealthy narcissism emerges: self-love. In other words: I am (exist), I deserve, I love myself – three essential elements for a fulfilled life. It is no coincidence that these three elements are found in all types of psychotherapeutic approaches; their alteration or lack always leads to serious emotional, affective or mental suffering.
From very early on, the child’s only tool to signal suffering or lack is crying, respectively behavior. The child will do everything (with what he has at hand: crying, agitation, other actions or behaviors)to get what he needs, what he needs to be well (sound familiar? Isn’t that what we all do, in one form or another) when our needs are not met?)
In other words, only the child knows best what he needs, what he needs, how he feels; how could anyone else, outside of him, know what is best for him?
The healthy self-love I was talking about earlier is always accompanied by protection for one’s own person. How could anyone else, better than ourselves, know what is inside us?
Is this a form of pathology? No, of course, but an essential condition for your own health, well-being and resilience. In a broader sense, this self-love, this self-care should accompany us all our lives. No one can take care of us better than we can do it ourselves, because no one can know better than us what is inside us.
Continuing our story, the child asks; he is unable to satisfy himself. DEPENDS on others for that. An addiction that will accompany us, too, all our lives. No matter how much we love ourselves, this love will be incomplete without the love of others.
So far the situation is normal, natural, healthy. Satisfying the child’s needs builds an important part of his personality, from self-love; satisfying the needs for attention, care, love, means building the feeling of importance, of belonging (to a group, to a family), and they are essential for the health of the adult later on.
But the child grows, and grows, slowly, and his autonomy: of movement, of expression; it begins to have a program, a certain freedom of movement.
In fact, this is the moment when the biggest stakes are played. The attention and care until then reacha limit, a measure. The child continues to ask because, this is how he was “taught”, this was his normality until then. But the “others” are no longer as available, for various reasons. Attention and value reach a threshold. I (the child and his needs) meet them (the others and their needs). An often painful negotiation, with screams, howls, and rolling on the floor. Everything to satisfy your own needs and achieve well-being. It is no longer possible; In this way, the child encounters the lack, which produces frustration, pain, and suffering. He understands that not everything is possible anymore, and that there are others too, with their needs, attention, and feelings.
Self-love meets the love of others (or rather, the love of others for themselves).
My love for me versus your love for you. My love for you and your love for me (we need each other to satisfy our need for…love).
In other words, narcissism, in its healthy form, presupposes the existence of self-love but also the existence of love for the other, for oneself and for…me.
One love…
Of course, this is the “theory of narcissism”, the theory of self-love and love for others. In reality, the deviations from this development are countless, and they are, very often, the basis of all kinds of pathologies: depression (lack of love), anxiety (the love I had but lost/left me), and narcissistic disorder.
The pathological, unhealthy narcissism comes from the lack of the limits I wrote about above (the omnipotent child, the center of his own universe but also of the universe of others) in which only he and his needs matter. In the mind of this type of narcissist, others are only there to satisfy his needs; although he displays this power, and absolute confidence, he is fundamentally dependent on others: he needs their appreciation and attention. It is a self-worth built on others.
Another form of pathological narcissism comes from not satisfying the child’s needs. He does not receive the attention and love he needs, he cannot build his own value, sometimes not even the feeling of existence or merit. It is the absolute depressive, or the anxious who had and lost or was abandoned…
From a broader and more nuanced perspective, in narcissism lies the essence of self-power, of motivation for development (“I liked receiving attention so much, I felt so good, that I seek at all costs to I get the position, the role in which I can benefit from this” – and “this” can help me to go very far, to exceed limits, to “roll” to get what I want).
And, on the contrary, the lack of self-love condemns to non-development, to blockage, to feelings of failure, to the lack of value and merit. A love that I never had and never received – I don’t look for it, I don’t do anything for it, because I know I don’t deserve it…
No matter what the approach is, it is interesting to note one major element: this need for attention that I have been writing about will follow us all our lives, in one form or another. We will exalt when we receive it, we will wallow when it is taken from us…
And one more thing: as you can see, in one form or another we all went through this, in one form or another we are all “narcissists”.
